Poops M.'s Profile

This is only a review of the bathroom facilities at Liverpool Lil's. That said, having actually peed in the Liverpool on the other side of the pond, I can safely say that Liverpool Lil's easily trumps their traditional namesake restroom standards in favor of a more awesome Americanized hygienic standard. Or, more precisely, this bathroom facilities misses the nastier aspects of UKian bathrooms; 1) It does not smell like urine, 2) it's clean, and 3) best of all, the toilets are at a normal height, as opposed to UK toilets, which, for some insane (and morally reprehensible) reason, are like 2 inches off the floor. Friggin short people. What can you do?

Anyway, Liverpool Lil's is a nice place to drop the kids off at the proverbial pool, and if you have the means, I highly suggest you do so.

Plus, the waitress I had was super-cute.

Normally, I don't try to make poops while I'm out shopping. I feel it's bad form, and worse yet, sometimes almost impossible to find a store that feels comfortable letting random dudes make poops in their bathroom. That said, when nature calls, you answer it. Well, unless you're some crazy astronaut lady who wears diapers to cut down on pit stops, of course.

Anyway, not too long ago, I received just such a call, unfortunately timed as to happen while I was accompanying a friend who needed kitten things and puppy items. I looked around, and didn't see any restroom signs, though I figured they had an employee bathroom, at the least, and so, reluctantly, I asked if they had such facilities, and if so, might I be allowed to use them? Now, I'm a decent-enough looking human being, in that I try to maintain a grooming standard to differentiate myself from the home-challenged among us, so that probably had some influence in their decision, but the woman running the register, who for all I know may be the owner, said "sure", and pointed me in the proper direction.

The bathroom facilities were adequate, though far from luxurious. They were, however, clean, and in this instance "clean and available" were the two primary requirements, so if that was all there were to this, I'd give the bathroom a 3 rating or so, but there's something more important at work here; human kindness. Because B & B Pet Supplies went above and beyond for me, when technically I wasn't even a customer, just a dude standing around with a customer, and provided me with a port in a storm, I'm giving them a perfect rating. And, dammit, I think they've earned it. Bravo, B & B Pet Supplies, Bravo.

And, for the record, I'm not encouraging people to go in and ask to use the restroom as if it was public or anything; I'm firmly of the opinion that if all you have to do is pee, or you think you might have some fecal urgency in the next half hour or something, then show some restraint, and hold it, like your Dad used to tell you. But, if there's an emergency, they'll probably be there for you. If you ask nice. And don't look all psychotic.

Mind you, my rating and review are only of the bathroom facilities at Arni's, and do not reflect my views of the food, which are that it is most excellent, and a first-stop on any trip to visit family and friends in Lafayette.

That said, the bathroom, while reasonably clean, is somehow uncomfortable and humid. It's good that it smells like cleanser, rather than urine, but still weird, and you want to get out as soon as possible. I suspect demons. Either that, or voodoo.

In my day job*, I end up working over in Beautiful Newark By The Bay (not to be confused with Ugly-Ass Newark In New Jersey, though they do share a similar smell), so that means I end up eating at the same 7 restaurants. Sometimes, depending on how much coffee you've had that morning, the worst case scenario happens, and you have to make dookie in a fast food restaurant's bathroom. Well, the Wing Stop has my favorite bathroom to drop the kids off at the pool, if you have to, and it's for two simple reasons:

1) It's clean.
2) It's a private room.

Having grown up a civilized young man in the First World, I was always accustomed to making poops in a private room. Perhaps this makes me an elitist. Perhaps I have been coddled, or even over-privileged, but, damnit, I want to poop in my own poop-room, with nobody else making grunting noises next to me, and no senators waving their hands, and no urine dripping down the wall as some moron further fails it when trying basic aiming techniques, and, well, I digress.

What I'm saying is this: Hey Wing Stop, you people keep nice bathrooms, and I appreciate that. Thanks. Your food's good, too, but that's not my yelp raison d'etre.

* - Yes, believe it or not, I do not review bathrooms for a living. Yes, I agree that this is a crime against humanity, and a grand squandrance (now a word) of my genius. I don't know what to tell you.

Note: This is only a review of the bathroom, in Haiku form.

Way too many dudes
Never a line, though; that's good
Best just to hold it

So, I only review bathrooms, which works out well in this case, since I really only drank beer while I was there, and therefore have no service or food information, but I must say that the Men's Room at the Berghoff (shared by 17 West, and the Berghoff Cafe or whatever the connected thing is called) is amongst the finest public men's rooms in service today.

Not since the golden era of the first Roman empire has mankind been treated to such bathroom-related opulence; cloth towels, black and white tile; not a single detail is missed. And, most importantly, it's friggin' clean! Maybe not clean enough to eat off of, but certainly clean enough to drop trou in a stall and not worry about bathroom floor debris accumulating on them.

Please note that I only review bathrooms; I am saying nothing about the food here, which I thought was very good.

Recently, I had the opportunity to do a Number One trial run on Amato's Cheesesteaks unisex bathroom during lunch. While there is only one bathroom there, there wasn't a line during a busy lunch rush, and it was clean. Better still, it's a one-person facility, which is awesome, since that's how most people went to the bathroom growing up.

I didn't have to test the toilet paper, but the sink and soap were of acceptable quality and utility, and the motion sensor trash can (not annoying like motion sensor water faucets and paper towel dispensors: whoever invented either of those things should be tried at the Hague and hung from the gallows, but I digress) was kind of fun. I threw away three separate paper towels, just to watch it work.

Also, because I thinking wasting paper towels is what separates us from the terrorists. I'm sure you all agree.

Note: This is only a review of the bathroom. In form of haiku.

Bathroom good, no line
One can pee on Osama
Wash hands afterwards.

Note; This is just a review of the bathroom of Bombay Oven, not of the food or service or awesome atmosphere.

Twenty-four years ago, the original Apple Macintosh development team designed parts of that history making computer on napkins at the Bombay Oven on Stevens Creek.

Twenty. Four. Years. You know, you'd think, over the course of 24 years, someone would have found the time to give the ol' men's room a good cleaning.

You'd think.

It does, however, pass the Dreaded Mango Lassi Does-The-Straw-Stick-Up-Straight-Or-Does-It-Fall-T o-The-Side Thickness Test, so there's that.

Note: This is only a review of the bathroom facilities

This tiny hotdog place makes kickass hotdogs, but, sadly, the restroom is pretty tiny, and not a very pleasant customer experience. Then again, you're there to get hotdogs, not make poops. You can make poops at home. On the plus side, the place does have plentiful toilet paper, and the bathroom is far enough from the rest of the restaurant such that if you *had* to make poops there, you could, loudly, without worry.

On the downside, the door lock doesn't work, but while you're sitting there on the throne, telling yourself never to poop in public places again, you can just keep your right hand up, ready to push that door back shut when someone comes to make poops, too.